Things I Don't Want To See

You know, there are some things you just don't want to see in life. Like big hairy spiders, men doing it to each other, or your best friend with his tongue down your girlfriend's throat.

But life isn't fair, and sometimes you just have to face the fact that spiders will sometimes crawl across the bathroom tiles when you're having a wee, that Seamus has a bloody hairy arse, but Dean doesn't, and your best friend is the one who has his hand on your girlfriend's breast, he's the one whose lips she's licking, whose scruffy black hair she's making even scruffier with her pretty little hands.

Not that I've ever asked her out, mind, but I thought he knew anyway. She's mine; she has been ever since she said isn't it obvious and I realised it was obvious because she's a girl with really straight teeth and loads of hair and curves in all the right places, and ever since then, I've dreamed of diving into all that hair, and feel it brush my skin and tickle my lips.

But he's the one who gets to do that, his own hair all over the place, his glasses askew, small and delicate like a girl sometimes, with nerves of steel and a strong jaw and green eyes that look at you as if they might swallow you whole sometimes if you didn't have those little bits of curved glass to protect you.

They're my friends. I'm the one they're supposed to look at, to laugh with, the one who was going to ask her to the next ball, the one he couldn't live without. But maybe that was then, before the scars and the deaths and the prophecy and all the stuff that's weighing on him until he looks as if he might break under the pity and the hatred of all the people, while I just love him for the boy he was, and the friend he was. Until now.

I understand she loves him too, only she can express it like this, and maybe it'll make him feel better for a while, better than my chatter about Quidditch and classes and all the stuff kids our age are supposed to talk about. Yeah, I understand, but it still hurts.

I ask them what they're doing, which is a stupid question, because it's obvious, and what I really want to ask is why, though I can guess that, and when did it start, and does he go down on her as I sometimes imagined I might some day, when we were older and it was all over.

She says she's sorry, she didn't know I was there, as if it would be okay if I wasn't there, and they were doing it behind my back. So I ask the questions I wanted to ask, and she says it's complicated, even though everyone knows 'complicated' just means 'you really don't want to know the answer'. I don't mean to, because it sounds pathetic, but I say something about me asking her to the next ball, and she looks sorry and says she didn't know. Which makes me laugh, because it isn't often I know something she doesn't.

He doesn't say anything, just stands there and looks at me. His glasses are crooked and he looks a bit silly, but he's looking at me as if he's just mildly curious, but doesn't really care. He looks like that a lot these days, as if the weight of everything has made something snap and he's wandering around in a big cocoon of not caring.

So I whack him one, and now he does care, because he slugs me back, which hurts but not as much as seeing them together. Then we're having a Muggle duel, which isn't clever, because he's better at this than I am, even though I'm taller and stronger, because I spend my time beating the Quaffle out of the goals while he just flies around the pitch in his own little world. We're rolling around on the ground, and there's blood all over his face and it hurts to see him like that, but it feels good too.

People gather around and some of them laugh. I see Malfoy laugh, probably the first time all year, so I get up and clobber him as well, and then it's a big fight, Gryffindors against Slytherins and nobody is winning when Snape and McGonagall pull us apart and it's detention all around.

I end up cleaning the bathrooms with Seamus, so I keep my back to the wall and watch the spiders and wish I'd never seen my best friend kiss my girlfriend.